Process

So Good Friday is tommorrow...and I'm in the good friday service- which will be different. I've never been in it and It'll be interesting to see if I experience it any differently than i would be if I was in the crowd.
my mom gave me a book last year that's called, "One Friday"...or something along those lines...on one friday...? something like that. I think Dobson wrote it. But I'm not sure because I didn't really pay that much attention to it when I got it. It wasn't something that i would've read last year. Now I'm thinking I want to read it...Is that a sign of development spiritually? Not sure. But whether it is or not, I'm going to get the book read- which is why she gave it to me in the first place.

How many times did I sing the "Jesus Loves Me" song? Probably about a million times. That simply song is burned into my memory so fiercely it would take a brain wash to erase it. So why is it that I can so easily forget the simple truth of the song? I'm slowly making my way through the book by Brennan Manning, and he mentioned it today...Jesus loves me, this i know, for the bible tells me so.

John Eagan said toady in the book that you should, "define yourself as one beloved by God...let it become the most important thing in your life." How true is that? How many of us describe ourselves as beloved? By anyone, let alone God? I know that it's not the first thing on my list- even though it should be.

Just a thought...I need that to stick in my head- that I am Beloved by the God of the Universe! How amazing is that? How much would my attitude change if I believed and owned that? Amazing...

I feel so drained. So lost. I feel helpless and I need help badly. I gave my heart to someone and we're drifting...I can feel it. But this person won't talk to me! Which doesn't fix anything. Actually I know why this person is upset...and probably hurt...and feeling rejected. But if they don't tell me how to fix it, can I? Will they let me fix it? Am I already too far gone...for them to talk to me...to forgive me? This is why I hate being emotional...and letting other people's feelings effect my own...

So reading this book by Brennaman Manning- he's my new friend. He's teaching me how to be real- which is something I think everyone struggles at...in one way or another. My problem is telling my true feelings to someone...whether it'll help me or not. If it might cause them the slightest pain...I'll lie big time.
So the book- it's called, "Posers, Fakers and Wannabees; discovering the real you"...long title- but good book.

So far, he's putting "the poser" into more of a noun form instead of a verb form. It's not something that you do- it's something that you are. Kinda like another personality- like how "he" comes out when the real you doesn't want to deal with something. Totally reminds me of Secret Window- but that's beside the point.

One of things that Brennaman says that I especially liked was, "the poser...will do whatever it takes to maintain the appearence that we are not out of control, that our lives are not unmanagable, that we are not in need of a Rescuer." How true is that? That totally struck a chord with me- because how many times do I sit alone, crying, convinced that I don't need any help from anyone, when in reality I do- from God and from my friends. And another thing he says ties in with that a lot, "The Poser is incapable of true intimacy in any relationship."
And it's true...if you're not yourself with anyone, then how are you supposed to have REAL intimacy with anyone? ...Including God...?

Good questions! Good quotes! Good book. I'm only on chapter two and I have a million things written down that I love. It's funny how God works through books...and real life experiences...

Uhm, have I ever mentioned how much i like learning things?